AWOL

Hello Dear Friends,

It's been awhile since we last spoke. These past few weeks have been busy. I mean, they have been overflowing with things to do, things to have done, and thinking- lots and lots of thinking. Things have since been done or neglected and the thinking continues. But I'll provide a little update and a lot of thoughts.

Last week, Brenden and I were lucky enough to spend our Thanksgiving holiday in Utah with friends and the McQuay/Binns family. We got to see several of our friends from school throughout the week and spent Thanksgiving with family. We got to meet a few babies. We ate delicious food, played fun games, went to cool places, and laughed a lot. And I took no pictures. But it was great. Trust me.

Brenden and I both got haircuts recently. Brenden made his first trip to a real barber with a swirly blue, red and white pole outside and everything! His beard was trimmed a teeny bit to make it less "wild caveman" and more "somewhat dignified crazy musician." I cut off over a foot of hair. I considered just trimming it but then I realized I could donate it if I cut off 10 inches or more. So now it's all gone, my hair is super wavy/slightly curly again, and it takes about two seconds to dry. Win.

Brenden turned in his first graduate school term paper the Friday before Thanksgiving which means his diet that week consisted of Mountain Dew and candy and no sleep. While he worked on the paper, I began hand sewing little Christmas ornaments. I have a sewing machine but I don't know how to use it. I should probably learn since I have a feeling my Christmas ornament projects would go by a bit quicker if I used a machine. I may also be inclined to tackle bigger projects if I knew how to use it.

I've been applying for jobs, deciding not to go to graduate school at the moment, and trying to think of creative ways to fund living. Brenden's been practicing for concerts, juries, and military band auditions. We've both been reading a lot and catching up on The Walking Dead. And like I said before, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I've been thinking a lot about this past year, our first year of marriage. I've thought about the changes we've been through and the struggles we've had. I've thought about the adventures we've been on and the things we still have to look forward to. Brenden and I moved three times this year. First, from Texas to Utah in January after our wedding. We packed up a U-haul with our furniture and braved many icy roads as we drove up to Provo. Second, from Utah back to Texas at the beginning of May after both of our college graduations from BYU. We packed up a larger U-haul, attached our little Honda Civic to the back and drove back down to the good old Lone Star State, surviving the two-day drive on almost only candy and pizza. (Yes, we eat very well in this family.) The third time we moved it was the end of July. We left Texas for Georgia, ending that brief in between period, and started a new chapter including Brenden's graduate school and many days of uncertainty. It's been an eventful year- a wedding, a difficult last semester of college, well-earned graduations, living with family and working in Texas, moving to a new and completely unfamiliar place, beginning graduate school, finishing the first semester of graduate school, and still to come- a visit to our nation's capital for a military band audition, Christmas in Texas, and our first anniversary.

This fall semester has been very difficult for me personally. It's been difficult for Brenden too as he's had to watch me struggle and not known what to do. Without going into too much personal detail, I have had a very hard time finding a decent job and it's led to many feelings of self-doubt and frustration. Additionally, I've decided graduate school is not right for me right now, which has been challenging to accept since it's always been part of my "plan." It's just been a very hard semester with difficulties that blur the features of our future.

Everyone has different circumstances and different struggles at different times. I've been greatly humbled this semester and I'm learning more each day about myself, my capabilities, my husband, my marriage relationship, and my relationships with my Savior and Heavenly Father. I've become familiar with this new city and though I could really do with making some new friends and just feeling like I fit in somewhere here, I know this is where Brenden and I are supposed to be at this time in our lives. That knowledge makes it a little easier.

Brenden and I got to drive out to Atlanta today to go to the temple. We did sealings and it was strange to think it's been almost a year since we got married. While at the temple today, I looked down and saw my un-manicured hands with fingernails I've chewed away with my stupid nervous habit but I also saw my husband's hand holding mine tightly. I looked up into his face and saw him looking directly at me with a gentle, contented smile I only see when we're at the temple. And suddenly, I knew it-- we were okay. Things are okay for us.

I know things are hard right now. And they will be hard tomorrow and next month. And things will probably always be hard some way or another but it's going to be okay. In fact, it is okay. And while I might not be jumping up and down right now because I think my life is just so fantastic (because it isn't-- it's hard), I can hope and dream and work and smile and laugh because my life is good. It's hard but it's good.

And I guess that's our update. We're here. We're alive. Life is hard but it's good.

We're doing well.

Sincerely,
Natalie

Finding Pants

Brenden just left to drive the missionaries to our church building for something. I didn't really catch what he was saying because I was in the shower getting ready to go shopping. As soon as Brenden gets back home we're heading out to the mall to go shopping. For clothing. For me.

I hate shopping for clothes for myself. Despise it. I hate clothing and fashion and malls and new Fall catalogues and the way brands market their clothing lines for winter. No one can possibly be that happy in that much snow. I don't care how cute that matching hat and scarf set is. That smile is FAKE!

Right, so anyway, shopping. I suspect a lot of women would be excited to have their husbands take them shopping. I don't actually know. I definitely appreciate Brenden for wanting to take me shopping. My goodness, he knows how unpleasant I am when looking for clothes. Why would he willingly put himself through that?

It's not that I hate all shopping. It's just that I don't want to buy myself another pair of pants when I already have eight pairs (is that a lot or too little?) Sure, they don't fit me as well as they should (too big or too small- I don't know why! They fit when I bought them.) And, yes, it's true I often complain when getting ready in the morning because of this fact. (It was actually because of this complaining that Brenden demanded that we go and buy me a new pair of jeans today.) But pants are expensive! Clothing is expensive! And I'm too short so all the pants in the store are too long for me. ALL OF THEM. And I hate having to get my pants hemmed because I don't sew which usually means that my pants will stay too long and I will wear them anyway and then they will get all torn up where my shoes step on them. And shirts? Shirts are just annoying. There are so many different designs! Button up, v-neck, crew neck, scoop neck, long sleeve, three-quarter sleeve, cap sleeve, tank top, regular t-shirt, sheer, silk, cotton. I generally stick to t-shirts because they're pretty simple and I would get them for free for going to special events. (Too bad I can't wear my old softball t-shirt to church!)

Like I said, I don't hate all shopping. I love shopping for kitchen gadgets. I like shopping for furniture. I like buying books and art supplies. And I enjoy shopping for others. I even enjoy shopping for clothing for others. I just can't stand having to pick out clothes for myself.

Can I show you something that would be embarrassing if I actually cared?
This is a picture of some of the items in my closet:

This is hardly the entire contents of my closet but I wanted to share these items because it gives you a little insight to my shopping habits. I hate shopping for myself so much that when I go shopping, if I find one thing I like or doesn't look too bad on me, I basically buy it in bulk so I won't have to go shopping again for a long time.

Here I have 7 of the same polos from American Eagle, 5 of the same long-sleeved t-shirts from PacSun, 4 of the same blouses from Macy's, 3 of the same (only 2 pictured) skirts from Macy's, also not pictured: 3 pairs of the same jeans, 2 pairs of the same corduroys, 2 pairs of the same flats, and 5 pairs of the same flip flops. There are a few things these items had in common when I was shopping: 1) They fit me. 2) They came in different colors. 3) They were on sale for super cheap. And those are my basic requirements for buying clothes in bulk.

(The rest of this post was added after my shopping trip with Brenden.)

Because Brenden and I had a Macy's gift card and very little time to shop, our shopping trip was limited to one department store. Generally, when I go shopping for myself, it is because I need a particular item of clothing. I went into Macy's looking for a pair of jeans that fit well and weren't at risk of having holes suddenly torn in embarrassing places (I have two pairs of blue jeans, one of which I've had since seventh grade. It was my best Gap buy ever; unfortunately, the pants are now very worn and thin and at risk of having holes suddenly torn in embarrassing places.) Very much to my relief, there were a ton of jeans ON SALE and I began grabbing pairs off the racks and shelves and handing them to Brenden. After I had about seven pairs to try on, I headed to the dreaded dressing room and began trying them on.

Here is one thing I hate about women's clothing: how much the sizes in different brands vary. I tried on a pair of pants that were size 5 and they were too small, then I tried on a 7 from the same brand and they were still too small. If I tried on a size 9 in this same brand, I would have to hem the pants at the knee, thereby ruining the boot cut, so they'd be short enough for me to wear. Needless to say, I gave up at the 7. But then I tried on a size 3 S (s for short) in another brand and they fit. And I didn't need to hem them. And I shook my fist at the size 7 on its hanger in my dressing room and said, "I liked you better! You were $10 cheaper but you failed me!" And I went to the counter, paid for the jeans, and left confused about what size I actually wear because, apparently, I'm anywhere between a 3 and a 9.

It doesn't matter too much, though, because I just bought a new pair of jeans which means I won't need to go jeans shopping for another ten years.

I want to build something!

I have been spending too much time on pinterest lately (again) which just further irritates this itch I have (that just won't go away) to create something big and awesome and marvelous. This itch hasn't gone away with craft projects or furniture painting projects. And it has become a little bit annoying. I lie awake at night thinking up projects I can do to fill my days, to beautify my home, to give to friends and family. And then I lie awake at night wishing Brenden and I owned a house with a garage with a workshop where I could build things.

Yes.

I want to build things. With nails and screws and hinges and knobs and pulls and wood and metal and all those other things I don't even know exist.

Ever since I was little, I have loved trips to Home Depot and Lowe's. I loved seeing the lumber, the hardware, and the power tools. I imagined the things I would create if I had unlimited resources and actual skills. At first, I wanted to build a dollhouse and then I wanted to build a playhouse for the backyard and then a treehouse like that one in Home Alone. And now I want to build a bed, an armoire, bookshelves, a real nightstand with drawers and everything! When I was younger, I would see my dad take sheets of plywood and two-by-fours (along with those metal things that held it all together- nails, screws, etc.) and create things in our garage- cool things like bunk beds and dining table chairs. I regret I hadn't spent more time watching and learning from him when I had the opportunity. I was too occupied with musical theater and dance and softball and school and friends to actually spend time watching my dad build stuff. And girls had no place around a circular saw anyway, right?

What was I thinking?

Maybe I thought the power tools were too loud. Maybe I was too scared I'd lose a finger or end up with a screw in my toe. Maybe I was JUST STUPID.

For Christmas this year sign me up for a circular saw, a sander, a nailer and stapler (don't worry, I already bought myself a drill), and a few gift cards to Lowe's so I can buy some materials. And if you're feeling particularly generous, a new house with a garage with space for a workshop.

It's alright, I know you're probably thinking it.

Yes, I'm crazy. Puh-leeze, I already knew this.

All Hallow's Eve

Did anyone else ever wonder why we never got Halloween as a day off from school? I think every year I was in elementary school as the holiday approached, I got excited about the prospect of no school. (I also thought I got the summer holidays off from church.) And then the week of Halloween, I'd look at the school lunch menu stuck on our fridge at home and realize that they were serving lunch AT SCHOOL on HALLOWEEN which could only mean one thing: we would have school on Halloween. Of course we had Halloween parties and we were even allowed to dress up sometimes but why didn't we have the day off? It's something I got used to by the time I was in middle school though I still can't believe that professor my freshman year at BYU who assigned us a paper due the DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN. I mean, seriously, what was he thinking? My roommate (who was in the same class) and I decided we would write our papers quickly so we could go out and celebrate but then Brenden invited us to do something and we abandoned our homework until later that night when we stayed up late typing our papers and kicking ourselves.

Our Halloween this year began on Friday when we went to our ward's Halloween party. Brenden and I were in charge of the bean bag toss game. There weren't a lot of games there so we usually had a little crowd around us which included its fair share of ducks, vampires, witches, and even a Storm Trooper with a lightsaber. Unfortunately, the party was outside and it was cold and drizzly. When it started pouring, our trunk-or-treat was quickly relocated to the pavilion where the children walked up and down the rows between the picnic benches. Some kids thought they were slick and kept coming back for more candy. I recognized them, called them out, and gave them candy anyway. They were cute and really good at the bean bag toss-- why shouldn't they get more candy?

I wore my go-to Halloween outfit for the event. I wore it last year and the year before that. But this year, I changed it up by adding a cheap (and by cheap I mean poorly made and relatively inexpensive) witch's hat. Brenden wore jeans and a Batman t-shirt and called it good. He didn't want me to include the picture with both of us in it. Probably because he wishes he looked this awesome.

Brenden insisted I put a broom in this picture.
Also, my hair is super long and I don't know what to do about it.
On Saturday, Brenden and I worked on a project that we've been putting off for awhile now. We haven't finished it yet which means we have an unfortunate looking piece of furniture sitting on top of a plastic sheet in our dining room. Hopefully it will be done (or at least out of the room) before we have dinner guests next Sunday. Also, the Georgia Bulldogs beat the Florida Gators on Saturday, 24-20. I mention this because it is significant. We didn't get to watch it but from my ESPN phone app, it looked like it was an exciting game.

On Sunday, Brenden and I finally carved our pumpkin. And even though this is our fourth Halloween together, we've never carved a pumpkin with each other before. We decided to make it something more complicated than we'd ever made during our separate pumpkin carving experiences. It took us awhile but we were proud of ourselves when we finally finished. It was pretty cool.

It's a Georgia Bulldog! Because we are suddenly very school-spirited!
Unfortunately our Bulldog didn't get to see much daylight before he became this:

Some stinky kids that we PROBABLY gave candy to destroyed him while we were eating dinner. We know it was during dinner because we set up our decorations outside before we sat down for dinner and then after dinner we went outside to light them up and our pumpkin was already in the street. I was so sad. At least we took some pictures of our guy during our short time together. Next year, we'll put our pumpkin in the window.
Here's what our place looked like before our pumpkin died:

Our landlord somewhat recently had the exterior of our place painted, including our front door. Unfortunately, the guys painting the door broke the door numbers when they removed them and have yet to replace them. Brenden and I are considering keeping up our door decorations a little longer just so friends can easily identify which place is ours. "Our address is _______. Our door has a scary face on it. No, really, it does." I think my favorite part about the eye placement on the door was that the little peep hole was right between the eyes which meant when I checked the door, it was like looking through the eyes of my monster!

Our rearrangement of decorations and our lit ghosts:

We also had a few decorations in our house that Brenden made almost ten years ago.

These guys sat on top of our fireplace mantle. Fancy.
I copied Brenden's costume design and wore a t-shirt and pants for my Halloween outfit. Unfortunately, in this picture you can't see the bright red pants I was wearing. Not exactly pink but close. Go go Power Rangers!

We didn't do much besides give out candy, eat candy, and catch up on The Walking Dead but it was a good Halloween. And tomorrow is All Saint's Day which means if I was still in elementary school at Galveston Catholic, I'd be dressing up as a Catholic Saint for a special Mass tomorrow. This year I'll just be out running errands while Brenden's at school. Boring.

Cardboard, Crafts, and Birds

After making Brenden's awesome nightstand, we had a few extra pieces of cardboard lying around the house. I was bored one evening and really wanted to make something. My desire to create most often leaves me stranded without an idea of what to create. This usually translates to me being fidgety for a bit, looking through my art and craft supplies cabinet (which is severely lacking, by the way), browsing online for any inspiration, and then getting stuck online reading home decorating blogs or stupid articles on CRACKED.com and/or Facebook stalking. However, this evening was different! A large piece of cardboard was calling me. I pulled out the only bottles of acrylic paint I currently owned, all in traditional baby pastel colors, from a project Brenden and I did a little over a month ago. I mixed some colors to make a nice creamy yellow and then started painting.

I had no idea what I was going to paint. I just knew I had a paintbrush in hand and brown cardboard on the table. I suppose I also knew I wanted a yellow cream background on whatever it was going to be. I'm not quite sure what happened but I got some water on my pseudo-canvas and quickly made a watery streak down the center of my piece of cardboard. Oops. I wasn't too perturbed, though, because I still didn't really know what it was I was trying to paint. Once the water dried, I painted a huge green stripe over the watery streak. I thought the green was gross and then painted a huge black stripe over the green. And suddenly, INSPIRATION!

I sketched out a giant bird shape and painted it white. I determined it look unfinished and boring so I looked around for more inspiration. I grabbed the newspaper I was using to prevent a mess from my painting and starting cutting it up. I glued pieces of the newspaper onto my bird shape, painted it white again, and then used a black paint pen to draw the bird's feathers. And there it was. Cute random bird project. Made with cardboard.

It doesn't have a permanent home yet, so it's just propped up against the wall next to Brenden's model cars in our computer room.

Sometimes I pretend the bird is sitting on a giant cable.
Other times I pretend it is just a really tiny bird.

Cardboard bird, model car, and Lord of the Rings Elven Helmet shadow.
Yes, that's right. We are awesome.
With my self-confidence renewed by my unlikely and easy success with the cardboard bird project, I sought a new challenge. For those craftily inclined, I'm sure this little rolled fabric flower would pose no threat. But for me, having never wielded a hot glue gun without supervision and having very limited knowledge about fabric in general, it was a little more difficult than I thought it would be. I thought by the end of it I would have a cute little flower not this thing:

My sad attempt at making a cute crafty flower.

This is what it was supposed to look like except with my blue polka dot fabric. If you want to try making this flower, THIS is the tutorial I used. I'm sure yours will turn out better than mine did.
I had no real purpose in making this flower except that I was bored while Brenden was out home teaching. (Apparently, my muse is boredom.) I had some fabric from a project Brenden and I were planning on doing about two years ago and put on hold until one of us learned how to sew and I was spending too much time online so after finding that flower tutorial I decided I would try it. I pulled out my brand new glue gun (what have I been doing all my life without a glue gun?) and got to work. My "flower" didn't even try to look like a flower. Brenden laughed at it when I showed it to him. Maybe I used the wrong fabric, I probably pulled the fabric too tight in its rolls, and sometimes I globbed too much glue onto the fabric-- it just didn't turn out right. Now I'm trying to think of what I can do with it. It's really small so I thought about attaching it to a hair pin but when I put the "flower" in my hair and looked in the mirror, it looked like I just had a ball of rolled up fabric stuck in my hair. That's really what it looks like (and is)-- a ball of rolled up fabric, perhaps neatly rolled up but rolled up nonetheless and looking nothing like a flower. Maybe I'll have better luck next time. With a completely different project.

And so this morning, I pulled out my sketchbook and charcoal pencils. I am a little more comfortable with these items than fabric and glue guns, even though I go through phases of drawing and not drawing. Right now it seems I'm on the end part of my not drawing phase. (As indicated by my desire to draw this morning.) Also, I was so annoyed with my failed flower, I needed to somehow redeem myself. It was such an easy flower project! How did it go wrong?!

I'm currently formulating an idea for a friend's birthday present and this drawing was a little preparation for that upcoming project.

Can you tell what kind of bird it is? The proportions are a little off. The head's a bit too big for the rest of the body and the body is a little too plump but not too bad for my first bird drawing, right?

In the process of drawing. My bird is missing an eye.

With some color! It's supposed to a Baltimore Oriole.

I love birds. The Biology 100 class I took at BYU was taught by an ornithology professor who was so enthusiastic about birds, you couldn't not love them after taking his class. I learned to recognize certain bird calls. I was able to identify birds by their size, feather colors and calls while I was hiking. I would often stop walking on my way to my classes to try to find the bird whose call I had just heard so loudly above me. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to take flight and soar high above cities and forests, farmland and beaches. I loved watching barn swallows flit around the parking lot at my old apartment complex, their forked tail feathers behind them. And California quails with their loud "CHI-CA-GO" calls were fun to listen to. Oh, I love birds. What beautiful creatures.