I've just climbed back into my bed after sneaking into James' bed to steal kisses and snuggles while he slept. Occasionally my hair would brush against his face and he'd stir a little before settling back into a deep sleep. I watched the rise and fall of his little chest in his fire truck pajamas and couldn't help but think of how angelic and peaceful he looked. Finding James looking angelic and peaceful is a rare sight, one that I can only briefly glance throughout the day when he is usually running from place to place, yelling at the top of his lungs in excitement or curiosity at the range of his vocal cords, mischievously planning his next move. So tonight I snuck into his bed and snuggled him and kissed him while he slept.
These past three years with James have flown by. He constantly amazes me with his cleverness and sweetness. He's getting to the point where he doesn't need naps as frequently and that makes me sad for many reasons but especially for missing out on that time together where he asks me to snuggle him and he pushes his warm little body against mine as we both fall asleep. I suppose it's a good thing he is adjusting to a new sleep schedule as we prepare for the arrival of his new brother and sister. I know I soon won't have that private, quiet time with him to snuggle and sleep in the middle of the day and it's better he adjusts to that on his own schedule rather than having it suddenly taken away. It's hard to imagine how different our lives will be in just a few short weeks.
For a little over three years, it's just been Brenden, Natalie, and James. James has only known being the center of our attention for the entirety of his life. I have loved being his mommy and I am grateful every day for this opportunity I have to raise him. And I feel so much guilt for knowingly and willingly turning his world completely upside down. I love him so much and I know as my attention shifts from him to his new siblings, he may not always feel that love in the same way he has become accustomed to. I hope I will know how to share that love with him so he will always know it is there.
Even though I am hugely pregnant and on a form of modified bed rest, and even though we are currently going through what is James' most difficult stage so far as he learns the art of dissent and stubbornness which can make him sometimes less than lovable, I will do my best to be present and patient and kind and loving. If I cannot do that now, how could I ever expect him to once his world totally changes? These remaining weeks of just Brenden, Natalie, and James will go by in the blink of an eye and soon it will be Brenden, Natalie, James, and, as James has affectionately named them, Bobber Baby and Construction Worker Baby. I know as our family grows in size, it will grow in love as well. I know it but I still feel nervous and guilty about the changes I am forcing on my sweet boy. But who knows, maybe he will take everything in stride and embrace his new role as big brother. One thing is for sure and that is my love for him, my sweet baby James, who made me a mother.
How about with making an official announcement on our blog about my pregnancy? I'm pregnant! With twins!
I had posted this cute photo collage on Facebook to announce the McQuay twins coming in 2017.
But I thought I'd share this lovely outtake from that same photoshoot because I think it's hilarious and really shows James' enthusiasm at the thought of becoming a big brother.
I found out I was pregnant on July 11th and a few weeks later discovered I was pregnant with twins. Literally the first words out of my mouth after my doctor told me the news were, "But they don't run in my family." I was in shock. I still am, in fact. But with each ultrasound and doppler and kick and flip, these two little babies are more and more real to me. I still feel wholly unprepared for their arrival but I am excited to meet them.
With my chronic condition of lupus and the twin pregnancy, I am automatically considered a high-risk pregnancy. That means extra visits and ultrasounds and perinatologists, in addition to my regular OB/GYN. Since it had been over almost two years since my last lupus flare, I figured this pregnancy would go pretty smoothly, especially considering my pregnancy with James was very normal with no complications.
I have been wrong on the rare occasion and, unfortunately, I was wrong about this being an uncomplicated pregnancy.
In September, I noticed a weird red rash on my face that wouldn't go away. I had also been feeling incredibly tired and worn out which I just attributed to being in my first trimester and chasing a three year old everywhere every day. After one of my routine check ups with my OB/GYN, she sent me straight to the dermatology department to get my face checked out. Turns out I was in the midst of a lupus flare. Awesome.
In October, I was really starting to feel sick. I was exhausted, couldn't eat or drink, and kept getting fevers at night (for about a week). I went in for another routine check up with my OB/GYN and she sent me to Labor and Delivery to get hooked up to an IV so I could get some fluids in me. While there, I was poked and prodded and bruised from a million blood draws. I stayed in the hospital for five days and was released on a Monday evening. Then I got to go back in an ambulance that Wednesday after I passed out at my parents' house and slammed my face on their marble coffee table. I got to stay there for another couple nights and had more tests run. I got to go home after I promised I would do weekly blood draws and keep all of my follow up appointments (with a whole host of doctors- rheumatologist, hematologist, perinatologist, OB/GYN, dermatologist, and probably someone else I'm forgetting).
Later in October, I was diagnosed with cholestasis. Because, why not? Sure, it usually only shows up in late pregnancy and not halfway through, like it did with me, but I'm special. Cholestasis is a condition where my bile acids build up in my bloodstream and cause intense itching all over my body. It's terrible. And it never fully goes away until after delivery. No anti-itch creams can help because it's not a surface problem; it's in my blood, flowing throughout my body. Luckily, there are drugs I can take to help this condition. The itching isn't so bad now. Thank you for the drugs.
In November, I began to feel better. It was pretty uneventful. I had my appetite back. Thanksgiving was awesome.
Now we are in December. On Friday, I went in for a growth scan ultrasound. And both of my babies are measuring very small. The perinatologist sent me to Labor & Delivery that evening for further monitoring of the babies. Because of a deceleration in the heart rate of one of the twins during this monitoring, I got to have steroid injections and a stay overnight at the hospital. The steroids are to help with lung development in case of an early delivery.
That's where we are now. I get to have weekly dopplers and growth scans every three weeks until these crazy babies make their debut.
Several people have already asked me or Brenden, "So you're done having kids after this pregnancy, right?" I just smile and nod because my brain can't process the thought of going through another pregnancy like this right now. (Also, maybe it's just me but I don't really know how that question is helpful or productive in any way.)
I'll include a couple pictures now to prove I'm still living life.
1.Night of the Blood Beast
This is a radio advertisement for a 1958 horror movie. Fun fact: they did an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 on this movie. So you know it’s good.
“You’ll know days of nerve-straining suspense! It’s first-degree terror when you see Night of the Blood Beast!”
2.Burn the Witch – Radiohead
This is the first track on Radiohead’s new album, A Moon-Shaped Pool. Making these Halloween mixes has given me an ear for even the vaguest references to paranormal or horrific subjects so it’s always exciting for me when my favorite artists put out a new album with Halloween-ish songs. Also Radiohead is my favorite. Also also this song has an excellent music video.
“If you float you burn.”
3.I Fall to Pieces – Patsy Cline
Body horror at its finest. I actually came across this song while watching an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (S1E12).
“You walk by and I fall to pieces.”
4.Monsters – Electric President
This song has some really great nasty background sound effects: croaking zombie and dripping, slipping, peeling sounds. As with all of these songs, the paranormal aspect is a metaphor, but this metaphor is particularly vivid.
“But now you're a monster and your backbone is soft because you threw it away.”
Kind of reminds me of some of those disturbingly soft elbows Lovecraft writes about in stories like The Festival (which is actually a Christmas story!).
5.Swamp Thing – Hiatus Kaiyote
This song has a sick base line. And it’s about the Swamp Thing. It’s maybe a touch too stylistically eccentric for some of yous out there, but this song grew on me like a sentient mass of swampland flora. And, let’s be honest, I’m probably going to be the one who listens to this playlist the most anyway. Also! People need to read Alan Moore’s comic run of Swamp Thing because reasons like it’s good and I said so.
"A toothless grinned swamp thing is lurking, come get you."
6.I Thought I Was an Alien – Soko
“We met one day where I thought I was an alien. I told you to get a costume and dance with me like an alien. And you did.”
I love this song for its off-beat, personal charm. Also aliens. If you listen carefully there are some nice laser, spaceship and alien sounds in the background. 7.Starman – David Bowie
I never listened to David Bowie until he died and I saw that his last album was on Amazon Prime. I gave it a try and discovered that it is 100% my jam. I’ve enjoyed exploring Bowie’s music this whole year. If you’re interested in giving Bowie a shot (which you totally are), I highly recommend “Nothing Has Changed,” a reverse-chronological 3-disc survey of Bowie’s career that he curated himself. This particular song was featured in The Martian, which is an excellent film adaptation of an excellent book.
“There’s a starman waiting in the sky. He’d like to come and meet us but he thinks he’d blow our minds.”
Not a bad solution to the Fermi paradox, if I do say so myself.
8.The Mummy – Benji Hughes
“Whatever you do, don’t get the mummy. When the mummy gets drunk he unravels.”
Some practical advice on selecting musicians for a prom. You’re welcome. 9.You’ve Haunted Me All My Life – Death Cab for Cutie
This track is from Death Cab’s latest album. The title says it all.
10.Wolfman – Dirty Bourbon River Show
This song features both an accordion and a sousaphone and it’s about a werewolf. If those aren’t in your list of the top ten things you look for in a song, then we can’t be friends anymore.
“The hair, it starts to grow. The teeth, they get sharp. And then the eyes glow green. And the howling starts.”
11.Witchcraft – Frank Sinatra
I actually played this song way back in middle school jazz band. Also it’s in Hocus Pocus. So it’s an old favorite.
Hocus Pocus IS Halloween.
12.Total Zombie – Day Wave
“I’m such a total zombie and you’re gold.”
This song is similar in sentient to “She’s so High” by Tal Bachman, except that this one focuses more on how terrible the protagonist is. Maybe less effective for swooning purposes, but at least the lyrics are more realistic for the average listener’s situation.
13.Somebody’s Watching Me – Rockwell
This one was a recommendation from my mom. This song features both Jermaine and Michael Jackson, so maybe next time I’ll just go ahead and use Thriller (or maybe the Bollywood version instead). Anyways, this song references both the Twilight Zone and Psycho. Also, the music video is great. Music videos need more zombie mailmen.
14.Dracula – Bea Miller
“Only one kiss, you’d be k-k-k-k-killing me.”
This song was on the radio! I read Bram Stoker’s Dracula somewhat recently and one of the most interesting things about the Count is how ancient he is. The way that time doesn’t apply to him is terrifying. He’s not “forever young and wild.” He’s a calculating and patient serial killer, bound by strict and very inconvenient rules. Also he’s only young when he’s been feeding. Sure, he can seduce women with his magic powers, but it’s super gross and disturbing if you actually think about it. I feel like this song exemplifies the sexy vampire fad that became super popular recently thanks to the Twilight franchise. This song has a good hook though.
15.Vampire – Mu
“You tried to suck me dry, sink your teeth in and imprison me. But I’d die before you take your bite, cross my heart and hope to keep alight.”
In my opinion, this is a much more appropriate reaction to the advances of a vampire than the last song. Don’t mess with the undead, folks! 16.Wolfman – Teddybears
“Sell your soul to a 45. Lose yourself to the other side.”
17.Ghost Town – The Specials
I love the balance between synthetic and acoustic instruments in this track. Just when the synthesizers get to be a bit too much, you get some excellent brass punches. Fun fact: this 1981 song was a reaction against urban decay in the UK. 18.Stop, I’m Already Dead – Deadboy and The Elephantmen
This song is used in the opening credits for the show iZombie, which is a really funny show (it’s on Netflix).
19.The Changeling – The Doors
“Uh! Uha! Gedu!”
Just out of curiosity I got into The Doors a couple of years ago. This song is only tenuously related to changelings from folk lore, but I really like the Doors, you guys. H.P. Lovecraft wrote an awesome short story about changelings called Pickman’s Model.
20.Graveyard – Feist
“Bring ‘em all back to life!”
I came across this song in a roundabout but very Halloween-appropriate fashion: I bought Feist’s album Metals after hearing another song from the album featured on the soundtrack of a zombie movie, Warm Bodies (2013). Warm Bodies was not bad and its soundtrack was excellent.
21.Scary Monsters (And Super Creeps) – David Bowie
“Scary monsters, super creeps keep me running scared.”
22.Afterlife – Arcade Fire
“Where do we go?!”
This track is from Arcade Fire’s most recent album, Reflektor.
Well that’s it for this year. Thanks for reading through this and maybe also listening to the mix! Feel free to message me with any recommendations for next time. Below are links to the 2012 and 2014 Halloween Mixes:
1. Tell your child he can no longer wear diapers and he has to use a potty.
2. Take off his diaper.
3. Make him use the potty.
Done! See, that wasn't so hard!
No, but really, that was our experience with potty training James. "Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles!"
We had the gimmicks like Thomas the Train stickers to put on a chart and mini gummy worms he affectionately named "Potty Worms" (which sounds hilariously, and disgustingly, like some kind of a gross bacteria passed around in toddler daycare bathrooms). But those things didn't matter to him. Right after we took off his diaper the morning we first began our adventure in potty training, he figured it out. He had a grand total of two major accidents that first week and those were when he was with Brenden so I don't think it was James' fault. Just kidding, sweetheart.
This was a huge relief to me as this had been something I'd been putting off for a long, long time. The idea of giving my stubborn, mischievous child full responsibility of when and where he was going to potty terrified me. I could just picture James in my mind, running around with no pants spraying my floors and walls with urine like an overexcited graffiti artist who had no idea how spray paint worked. But he didn't do that! Well, he hasn't done that. We still have plenty of years with him for this nightmare scenario to play itself out.
No, instead my sweet, bright boy always tells me when he needs to potty. It doesn't matter where we are. James is surprisingly aware and in control of his bodily functions. If he needs to hold it when we are driving home, he will. If we are at a restaurant or church, he'll let us know he needs to go and wait until we get him to a toilet. In the first week of potty training, he'd wake up in the middle of the night to go pee, barely awake enough to sit upright on his potty but he did it! We often tell him he is a "potty pro".
James is fascinated by his poop and pee and gas. The first time he pooped, he looked into the potty and said, "It looks like beans. Are beans poop?" He calls particularly strong streams of urine "pee pee waterfalls." We've labeled gas as "fluffs" in our house to give them a softer sounding name to somehow counteract their not-so-soft smell and of course, he finds them hilarious, because well, he is our child. And gas is hilarious. He'll sometimes look behind him after he "fluffs" to try to see it.
I wish I could actually give some concrete advice on how to potty train but my kid did it on his own. And I'm honestly not trying to brag! Because my kid isn't perfect. It was a miracle to me. This was something I had been stressing about for a very long time. I thought I'd have to homeschool because my kid wouldn't be potty trained. I thought I'd have to get a job to simply cover the cost of a lifetime of diapers. I thought, well, I thought about a lot. And all of those things I thought about were rooted in the fact that my child had not yet been potty trained. I think Heavenly Father recognized that James can be preeeeeetty crazy sometimes so He gave me a freebie on this parenting task. A tender mercy, if you will.
My self-potty-training child is my tender mercy from heaven.
Brenden, James and I just got back from a fun trip to Utah this past week. We were able to visit family and friends and show James some of our favorite places. We spent a lot of time in Provo and a few days at our alma mater, Brigham Young University.
While at BYU, we explained to James that was where Brenden and I both went to school, as well as some of his aunts and his uncles and his grandparents. He excitedly declared he wanted to go to school there too when he grew up. We told him that was definitely something he could do!
And then he asked if we could come with him when he goes.
Well, no, we can't.
We tried to explain to him that he'll be old enough to live on his own and that he will make lots of good friends. But it wasn't reassuring enough.
Sometimes we forget he is only two years old.
So we told him yes, maybe we can go to school with you.
Right now we are James' whole world and the concept of being without us for any extended period of time is incomprehensible. At times, that is frustrating because we understand that being parents is only one aspect of who we are (a huge, important aspect) and we want time for ourselves. But sometimes, a lot of the time, including during this exchange between toddler and parents, it is a very sweet thing. He loves us so much he never wants us to be away from him.
I know that won't last. I know that someday he will not want me around. I know that in the future the idea of going away to college, especially without us, will be an exciting thought. I know that someday my home will not be a place where he lives, that when he spends a night here he will be carrying a bag with all of his things because his home exists outside of my walls. I know these things but right now, just like with James, the concepts are incomprehensible to me.
So at bedtime when I am frustrated he won't go to sleep and he says to me in his little voice, "Mommy, I snuggle you," I will wrap my arms around his little body and hold him close. When he tugs at my arm to come play with him, when he asks me if I can please help him, I will try my best to be present, to be there with him in that moment.
