A Season for Everything

Brenden, James and I just got back from a fun trip to Utah this past week. We were able to visit family and friends and show James some of our favorite places. We spent a lot of time in Provo and a few days at our alma mater, Brigham Young University.

While at BYU, we explained to James that was where Brenden and I both went to school, as well as some of his aunts and his uncles and his grandparents. He excitedly declared he wanted to go to school there too when he grew up. We told him that was definitely something he could do!

And then he asked if we could come with him when he goes.

Well, no, we can't.

We tried to explain to him that he'll be old enough to live on his own and that he will make lots of good friends. But it wasn't reassuring enough.

Sometimes we forget he is only two years old.

So we told him yes, maybe we can go to school with you.

Right now we are James' whole world and the concept of being without us for any extended period of time is incomprehensible. At times, that is frustrating because we understand that being parents is only one aspect of who we are (a huge, important aspect) and we want time for ourselves. But sometimes, a lot of the time, including during this exchange between toddler and parents, it is a very sweet thing. He loves us so much he never wants us to be away from him.

I know that won't last. I know that someday he will not want me around. I know that in the future the idea of going away to college, especially without us, will be an exciting thought. I know that someday my home will not be a place where he lives, that when he spends a night here he will be carrying a bag with all of his things because his home exists outside of my walls. I know these things but right now, just like with James, the concepts are incomprehensible to me.

So at bedtime when I am frustrated he won't go to sleep and he says to me in his little voice, "Mommy, I snuggle you," I will wrap my arms around his little body and hold him close. When he tugs at my arm to come play with him, when he asks me if I can please help him, I will try my best to be present, to be there with him in that moment.

Because some day I won't be.

This is my every day.

 There's no way I'd be able to catch on this blog since my last post so instead I'll post several pictures of James. These pictures depict the happier aspects of our "everyday". Smiles, Lego DUPLOS, baths, naps, adventures, goofy faces, park trips, walks, lounging around the house, trucks, sand, digging, and more adventures. The rest of our "everyday" not depicted below include things like eating battles, compromises on truck video viewing, choruses of "I want someone play with me", baskets of toys dumped on the floor and then "bulldozed" around the house by his trucks, and neverending dishes and laundry and all the other responsibilities of living. James' ever-growing vocabulary allows him to say the sweetest things like, "You're my good friend" and "That was a good dinner!" and funny things like, "Does Jesus have a truck?" and "I don't want pancakes. I want CAAAAKE!" He also says unkind things like, "You're yucky!" and "I want to throw her in the garbage can!" He is quite a talker and always wants to be part of the conversation, often jumping in with, "What you talking about?" This is easily my favorite stage of James' life so far. I love watching him learn new things and seeing him develop into a little man with such a huge personality. He is so smart, I sometimes forget he is only two years old and I have to remind myself to be more patient with him. He drives me absolutely insane sometimes and it's all I can do to simply hold it together but I love him with all my heart.

My sweet Baby James.      

Ode to Athens, Georgia

I'm channeling your wooded neighborhoods and historic mansions through some Bon Iver. I listened to Bon Iver almost religiously while living in Athens so whenever I hear Justin Vernon's melancholy vocals, all I need to do is close my eyes and I can see the sunlight filtering through the blinds in my bedroom, the tree in front of our old townhome casting leafy shadows. I recall the musty smell of an old home whose windows were painted shut and never opened in the almost two full years we lived there.

Athens, you were both kind and mean to me. Kind in your generous array of activities and delicious restaurants. Kind in your historical Southern charm. Kind in your friendly people. Mean in your life lessons. Mean in the harshness with which you thrust me into reality. Mean in your loneliness and isolation.

I hated you when we were together but now that we've had some distance- hindsight is 20/20. I see you clearly now.

As a newly married, recently graduated young woman, I was ready for the next big adventure. I was excited for a new town, new faces, a new place to discover.

I wasn't ready for the rejection, isolation, and plain confusion about my life's direction.

But, honestly, I've gotten over that now. I can see you clearly and I think as the years continue to pass my vision will become sharper and sharper regarding this period in my life.

You were the first place I truly created a home with my husband. We learned to rely on each other here. We were literally hundreds of miles away from any of our relatives. We hated being away from family but there was a closeness born in that isolation and I'm grateful for developing that closeness early in our marriage.

I was lonely with you, Athens. You forced me out from behind friends, family, school assignments, and a general curtain of everything that I understood to be the norm and bore me naked before myself. When your jobs repeatedly rejected me, my self-esteem dropped. When I had a hard time making friends, I questioned my worth. When Brenden was away for hours every day and I was alone with myself, I realized I didn't like who I was. Alone and stripped of everything I thought made up who I was, I was forced to confront myself with all layers peeled away-- this soft, tender thing I didn't know what to do with.

Athens, you helped me remember that I am a creative being. I don't mean creative in the generic artistic sense of creativity; but I mean to actual create things, to build, to make, to produce. To be happy, I must create. When I was alone, I would write and draw and paint and sew. Hobbies I had forgotten, I discovered anew.

I also spent a lot of time thinking when we were together, Athens. I grew closer to my Savior. I found joy in service. I really came to love the temple when I lived with you. The Atlanta temple will always hold a special place in my heart. Thank you for helping me rediscover myself through my relationship with my Savior and Heavenly Father.

Occasionally, when I'm feeling nostalgic, I'll check out the my_athens hashtag on instagram. Today I was missing your autumns and I looked you up on there. I saw pictures of your fiery trees against blue skies, your historic buildings, your classic campus, your quirky restaurants and stores. I missed you even more.

Oh, Athens. You were named after the city that was home to the academy of Plato and Aristotle. You were destined to be a place of learning. Thank you for your lessons. You continue to teach me as I reflect on my time with you.

Athens, I love you.

Halloween Mix 2014

I finally completed my 2014 Halloween Mix just in time for Halloween tomorrow! I only put it on Spotify this time.

The standout Really Weird Song this time around is hands down a song (covered) by The Carpenters called "Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft." I just can't believe the carpenters recorded this. The point of the song is that we all have telepathic abilities and that if we all think about the words of this song at the same time (I guess?), our combined telepathic message will reach the aliens in space.

Forget Satellites. Just listen to The Carpenters.

Putting this mix together got me thinking about the different levels of metaphor that are in play whenever the supernatural is used in fiction and in lyrics of songs. Maneater is a very simple metaphor, the song Monsters by Lucius is simply about self-defeating thought processes compared to monsters under the bed, and one of the songs in here is actually about environmental concerns.

I've been reading Dracula by Bram Stoker for my Halloween Book this year and there's some really really interesting stuff in there about the nature of evil and how the very worst evils are twisted versions of things that are actually holy. 

So yeah, use some critical thinking this Halloween because there's a lot more to all of this weird, often obnoxious supernatural stuff than you might think. Until you think more, I mean.

So anyways, ENJOY!

Halloween Mix 2014 on Spotify

Back to School Again: School? What?

So our good friend Jay came down back in September and visited us for an afternoon/evening on the town down here in sunny Galveston. He'd briefly met James before when Natalie was in Utah to see Stef off for her mission. James loved him and, from what I could tell, he loved James also. We spent some time chatting about how our lives have been going and later went to Fudruckers on the strand (where I devoured a long-craved buffalo chicken sandwich - seriously everyone needs to go eat one of these like right now) for dinner. Even later, we went to La King's Confectionery for some shakes/fudge/etc and then we did a bit of window shopping (and by shopping I mean browsing because we can't afford stuff). It was a very enjoyable evening, polished off by some ice-cold Abita root beers. Me and Natalie (myself in particular) aren't always the best at keeping in touch with people but we do love to visit with our old friends when we get the chance.

Jay, Natalie, James and myself at La King's

So anyways when we were talking to Jay it came to my attention that my previous blog post was ambiguous regarding my life plans. I apologize for this lapse in clarity (or relapse, if you prefer). Here's the lowdown: When I was preparing for my DMA (doctorate in musical arts - basically a doctoral performance degree) auditions/interviews, I realized that my reason for wanting to do a DMA was because I wanted to be able to support my family and keep playing the tuba. The idea was to support my family by playing the tuba. But then I realized I could do something else for a living and still play the tuba. For a number of reasons, I determined that a career in music was not what I really wanted (pay, work schedule, job security, ability to live near family, etc). Natalie and I brainstormed all the career paths we could think of and the one that appealed to me the most (by a long shot) was dentistry. I have a grandfather and an uncle who are dentists and it has always been an attractive field to me for a number of reasons, including but not limited to pay, work/family balance, job security, ability to work with your hands, prestige, ability to choose where to work, being a small business owner.

So I cancelled all of my DMA auditions and focused on making the most of my last semester at UGA since this would be the end of my formal music education. Natalie did a bunch of research into how to get into dental school and we made a long term plan: We would move back to Texas, I would get a job for a year so we could save up money and I could regain in-state status (and therefore save tons of money on tuition), I would start from scratch and take the core science classes required as prerequisites for dental school, and then I apply to dental school. As one might justifiably assume, the plan also includes getting accepted, completing dental school and enjoying a successful career in dentistry.

After going to Philmont last summer I applied for some jobs and was fortunate to find work in Galveston at ANICO (American National Insurance Corporation) in the Annuities department as a transfer processor. My job was to handle paperwork related to the transfer of funds into annuities at ANICO. I spent my time reviewing paperwork, organizing it to be signed by corporate officers, reorganizing it to be mailed and/or faxed, and following up with any further requirements needed to get the funds transferred to ANICO. When I was two weeks into training on September 16, 2013, I got a call in the middle of lunch from my mother-in-law telling me it was time to head up to Spring because James was on his way. So full time work and fatherhood came at me at basically the same time. It was crazy but it was actually very exciting too.

Here's where I worked.

Like I said, I was only planning to work for a year and then I would go back to school. So I left my Job at ANICO mid-August this year and then began taking pre-requisites for Dental school at Galveston College. The semester has been pretty intense so far. I'm taking 16 hours of courses that people normally advise students not to take simultaneously: Chemistry 1, Biology 1, Physics 2, and Anatomy & Physiology. So far, so good.

Aside from the work skills and experience I developed at ANICO, there are some things I learned about myself that I have been able to use to help me in my studies. One thing I noticed during graduate school is that I have days every now and again where my brain is just totally fried and I can't seem to focus on anything for more than 20 minutes at a time. To combat this, I would use a stopwatch to give myself 25 minutes to study or practice followed by 5 minutes of reading from a comic book or watching something on YouTube or whatever. Unfortunately, I was unable to use this method to stay productive while I was at ANICO due to intermittent surveillance by management. Instead, I had to find ways to keep busy for hours at a time. I discovered that listening to certain types of music helps me to focus. Due to my background in music, I can't listen to classical music without thinking pretty deeply about it. This occasionally happens with more popular music as well, especially Jazz and other improvisation-based musics. Long story short, I learned at ANICO that sometimes I can't concentrate unless I'm listening to Radiohead.

Another thing I learned from working at ANICO is that, if I can exercise self-control at the beginning of the day to keep away from distractions, I will have a pretty easy time of staying focused for the rest of the day. So if I start out a study session by taking a break, that study session is not likely to be very productive. I saw a fortune cookie once that exemplifies this: "Laziness is resting before you are tired." So when I rest before I've done a decent amount of mental exertion, I'm embracing a state of mind that will prevent me from being able to do what needs to be done. This is probably why it takes me a day or so to recover mentally from the prolonged laziness of binge-watching TV.

Other lessons from ANICO that have helped me in school: Skipping meals and overeating both make it hard to focus/remain conscious, having a new baby makes it difficult to impossible to achieve and maintain consciousness, PTO is awesome, getting paid for overtime is awesome, mandatory overtime on Saturdays is not awesome, and I really really don't want to work under 4+ levels of management for the rest of my life.

My biggest challenges at school so far have been time management and learning how to actually read my textbooks. I've never actually had to keep up with assigned textbook readings in order to do well in my classes, and there was one advanced music history course I took at BYU where I did better on exams when I didn't spend my time reading the textbook. I know that reading my books this semester isn't actually necessary for me to do well in these classes either, but I'm not learning stuff just for the exams I have in the next few weeks; I'm trying to prepare for an exam that I won't be taking for a year and a half that will be cumulative on almost everything I come across in my classes until then, including all those fun bits of knowledge that can be found only by reading the textbooks. Furthermore, I'm pretty sure that an improved ability to learn from textbooks will be necessary for me to do well in dental school.

My favorite study spot at the Moody Medical Library

Fun facts!

1. Last year being the only exception, I've been in school every year since Kindergarten in September of 1995. 
2. Starting this semester I am a 19th grader.
3. This will be my 21st year of school if you count Head Start and Kindergarten.
4. Based on my calculations, I only have 6 or 7 more years of school to go until I'm done! 
5. When I graduate dental school, I will have spent about 27 years of my life in school.
6. I have been playing the tuba for 10 years now.

Coming soon: Halloween Mix 2014 and Philmont 2013!

Thanks for reading!