Thoughts this morning

After about six hours of sleeping in increasing increments (1 hour, then 2 hours, and then a glorious full 3 hours), I woke up this morning thinking about my friends. I'm not sure if my thoughts were remnants of a dream I had just left or something my mind wandered to in those brief quiet moments of clarity after waking, but I woke with a deep appreciation for the friendships I've formed throughout the years. I decided I needed to record these feelings before I rolled back over in bed to sleep for a little longer and, as a result, forgot everything.

I suppose you can never be too old to appreciate certain things in your life but I feel it's taken me a long time to recognize the deep love and care I've experienced from so many people I call my friends. I have a strong tendency towards being an introvert and this inward pull sometimes makes me very self-centered. Because I prefer solitude or the quiet company of only a few individuals at a time, I often skip out on the large social gatherings that would introduce me to new people and facilitate new friendships; I find them incredibly draining and often uncomfortable. Some people probably consider me unfriendly and awkward. I've experienced a fair share of loneliness, particularly since moving to Georgia where I have no connections that precede me (except, of course, my marriage). I've slowly made a few friends and I'm so grateful for those thoughtful people who have both given us and responded to invitations.

But the friendships I woke thinking of this morning are friendships I've held throughout the years. In my self-centered isolation of increasing loneliness and depression, I've forgotten and neglected these friends, who I believe would jump to my aid if I asked. I recognize that I am not the greatest friend. I am terrible at keeping in touch and I am the only one to blame for this. I think as I've neglected my dear friends they've stepped back a few steps, ready to greet me if I said hello but keeping their distance to avoid any tension caused by long silences. Maybe this is too optimistic for me to think. Maybe those friends who I think are just a few steps away have actually given up and are walking somewhere else now. Maybe I'm still thinking too much of myself, presumptuously assuming people I may have unintentionally offended still care for me.

I'm not so sure. I have some pretty remarkable friends who, in my various times of need, have always stepped up and said, "I'm here. I've been here the whole time." Despite my own neglect of our friendships, they are there for me. They carry on with their lives as I carry on with mine, but they do not forget me. I am so grateful for them.

I think of my experience last year when I was very sick and spent almost a week in the hospital. I was overwhelmed by the love I felt during that physically miserable time. The windowsill in my tiny hospital room was covered with vases full of beautiful flowers. Nurses enjoyed passing my room because they could smell the flowers. I never once had to eat the hospital food brought to me on a tray because a friend had brought something else for me-- a donut or burrito for breakfast, Chinese takeout for lunch, homemade enchiladas for dinner. I had visitors around the clock. I often had to ask people to step outside when my doctors came by. Even my doctors commented on how much I must be loved. My internist told me that he had never seen a patient's room so decorated with flowers, balloons and stuffed animals or visited so often by so many different people. Even past visiting hours before I'd gone to sleep, friends who worked in the hospital would stop by to check on me. Friends who I thought I may have pushed away with my silence were there by my side.

Today one of my best friends, Missy Bethke, is coming to visit me and Brenden. It's Brenden's spring break week and she had originally made the plans with the intention of keeping me company while Brenden went to a conference in Florida. He decided to forgo the conference and now we'll have plenty of time to spend together. She visited last year too, arriving two days before my sudden and unexpected departure to Texas because of my illness. She spent an afternoon with me doing my dishes and picking up around the house while I lied on the couch, wrapped in blankets. Probably not her idea of an Easter vacation but she insisted despite my protests. Missy has been a great, sweet friend since I met her my first semester at BYU. We are different in many ways but we are also very alike in others and I wonder if we would have discovered our likenesses and friendship if we hadn't been roommates that fateful first semester. I can't even begin to imagine how different my life would be if Missy wasn't a part of it.

I know I have been greatly blessed to have been surrounded by such loving and thoughtful people throughout my life. Heavenly Father has placed every person I know in my life for a reason. My friends and my family make my life meaningful.

You make my life meaningful. I know my Heavenly Father loves me because you have been a blessing in my life. I know this hardly begins to express my gratitude for you but thanks for being my friend.