On the Home Stretch

In the early hours of this morning after one of my many visits to bathroom, I climbed back into bed and started thinking of my pregnancy and my little boy. I thought about the pink stretch marks forming across my abdomen that I had mostly avoided during pregnancy and I thought about my aching, stiff back that comes every time I get up from any reclining position. I thought about my feet that have begun to grow larger by the end of each day and the daily battles of hunger and fatigue.

I was lying on my left side with my large belly propped up by a pillow. I'm normally a back sleeper but after I reached about 20 weeks in the pregnancy I had to adjust my sleeping position because my growing uterus would put extra pressure somewhere on my back and it wouldn't be good for me or the baby.

To be completely honest, my train of thought originated at Cafe Rio, my favorite burrito place located in Utah.  And I started listing off all the places I could go for lunch later today that were similar but not as good: Freebirds, Chipotle, Bullritos. In Athens, we had Barberitos, which was amazing, but during my first trimester I couldn't keep down a delicious burrito no matter how hard I tried. The regurgitated mess of beans, rice, meat, and tortilla was a lovely reminder that my body was no longer my own.

There have been many discomforts of pregnancy that intellectually I knew I would encounter and tried to brace myself for but I never realized the toll they would take both physically and emotionally. Each day I am physically exhausted before the day is through and I feel emotionally beat wondering how much longer I can do this while recognizing these nine months of pregnancy are only the very beginning of years of physical and emotional exhaustion.

But while I was lying on my side in bed, I tried to picture our little boy growing up with us as his parents. I thought of Brenden wrestling with him and teaching him about Batman and I thought of trips to the library and spending time with his grandparents. I thought about him running around outside with a superhero cape on. I thought about those years of exhaustion coupled with years of the otherwise unattainably unique joy of family life and parenthood.

With a small smile to myself, I recognized that I am truly realizing one of my lifelong dreams. Before I could even form legitimate words, I had wanted to be a mother.  I didn't know all that role would entail then, nor do I pretend to now, but I knew inside of me it was something I was meant to do. I realized how lucky and blessed I am to have this opportunity to bring a new special life into this world.

With every little (and big) kick and elbow nudge, I am reminded my life is not my own. I am part of a bigger plan and the minor discomforts of this pregnancy cannot compare to the joy and excited anticipation I feel as I contemplate this next phase of my life, this part I have waited for for the entirety of my conscious existence.

Dear Baby Boy,

I am so excited to meet you. I have waited my whole life for you. I love you more than you could ever realize.

Love,
Your Mommy