On Breastfeeding

(Reader beware: I use words like "breastfeeding" and "nursing" throughout this post so if that topic makes you uncomfortable go ahead and ignore this.)

I have a secret: I have been breastfeeding James since he was born but we stopped nursing last December. We'll probably continue breastfeeding for a couple more months.

Before James was born, I knew I wanted to breastfeed. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends breastfeeding exclusively for the first six months of a baby's life and the World Health Organization gives that same recommendation and also recommends breastfeeding up to two years and beyond. All of the books I'd read in preparation for James' birth touted breastfeeding as the best way to go (or only way to go in some literature). I was determined to breastfeed for the first year.

When James was born, he had a terrible time latching. Part of my carefully designed birth plan indicated I wanted to breastfeed immediately after James was born but he was whisked away to the nursery because of some minor complications with his breathing. I don't really know if this contributed to our bad nursing relationship. Sometimes I like to put the blame there because I did everything I could to make it work and it didn't. If it was something that was out of my control, then I can feel better about my efforts and not wonder "what if I had done this differently?"

I don't really want to go into all the details here so I'll summarize: James was a terrible nurser. In those early months that are already difficult and confusing without worrying that your baby isn't eating, he would wake up hungry, fight against the breast, finally start nursing and nurse for an hour, fall asleep while eating EVERY TIME, wake up hungry again anywhere from thirty minutes to an hour and a half later. Occasionally, he would wake up not starving and be alert and playful for a little while before beginning to scream that he was hungry. These alert and playful periods after nursing were rare, more rare than the usual sleepy newborn phase. We didn't get out much. I would never be able to discreetly nurse him because he would thrash and scream for at least a few minutes every time before eating and then once he started eating, I wouldn't be able to move for the next hour or so, and when he was finally done eating, he would be asleep in my arms. So, we spent most of our days cooped up in the little blue bedroom we shared. Nursing was pretty traumatic for me. I would dread the next time he was hungry, in addition to the awful scream- eat- sleep routine, nursing him was really painful. It never stopped being painful in the three months we worked at it, despite meetings with a lactation consultant and our attempts to fix his latch. I never had that bond-building, peaceful nursing relationship. I can honestly say nursing was detrimental to my relationship with James. I hated it and I didn't want to do it and I hated that he needed me to do it.

Luckily for me and James, we were born at a time in history where such things as breastpumps exist. James lost way more weight than he was supposed to right after he was born because he wasn't eating well. He was also jaundiced and couldn't get rid of the excess bilirubin because he wasn't pooping (because he wasn't eating). His doctor sent us home after his first visit in that first week with formula to get him eating and pooping otherwise he would need to be hospitalized. He had no problem with formula but I wanted him to have breastmilk so that night I went out and bought a manual hand pump. When James was a little over a week old, I was able to rent a hospital-grade pump for a few weeks. In addition to hours spent nursing, pumping was now also on my schedule. While this was initially difficult, I began to see a change in James' demeanor when he was able to eat from a bottle. He was more alert and more content after those meals. I was able to take him out of the house. It was totally worth it. After a few weeks with the hospital-grade pump, I was able to get my own electric pump which was more portable-- which meant being able to do even more things. I am not exaggerating when I say that pumping saved my life. I could do things again and James was happy, healthy, and not screaming.  

Around Christmas time was when I decided to stop nursing altogether. We'd been traveling and pumping was much more convenient in every respect (except bottle cleaning) than nursing was. After we came home from traveling, I was sold on the idea of exclusively pumping. 

Even though pumping saved James' and my sanity, it was hardly easy. I was pumping around the clock in addition to feeding James after pumping. I had to store milk and wash bottles and pump parts every day. If I was going anywhere for longer than a couple hours, I would have to pack my pump with me and figure out a place to pump while I was out. If I was visiting with people at home, I would have to excuse myself for half an hour to pump. And unlike nursing, where I at least get the satisfaction of a cute baby in my arms, I was hooked up a machine tugging at me while making loud annoying noises. It just wasn't a fun experience. 

But I did it because I wanted James to have breastmilk for his first year of life and I knew I was capable of giving it to him. Also, I am incredibly stubborn so when I made that a goal before he was born, I was determined to do it. And here we are, a little over two weeks away from his first birthday, he still gets breastmilk in addition to his food. Even though I had to stop pumping just last week because I started a new medication for my SLE that prevents me from breastfeeding, I have deep freezer completely full of milk to bring James past that one year mark.

I think I wrote this entire post because I really wanted to celebrate that James and I are making it to a year of breastfeeding. It's kind of a bigger deal than I thought it would be when I first made the goal before he was born. All along the way, I didn't think it was possible. It was really hard. If someone wanted to get me a chocolate cake to celebrate, it would be totally justified.

Here's a few pictures of my chunk to make reading this novel worthwile: