Late Night Thoughts

I've just climbed back into my bed after sneaking into James' bed to steal kisses and snuggles while he slept. Occasionally my hair would brush against his face and he'd stir a little before settling back into a deep sleep. I watched the rise and fall of his little chest in his fire truck pajamas and couldn't help but think of how angelic and peaceful he looked. Finding James looking angelic and peaceful is a rare sight, one that I can only briefly glance throughout the day when he is usually running from place to place, yelling at the top of his lungs in excitement or curiosity at the range of his vocal cords, mischievously planning his next move. So tonight I snuck into his bed and snuggled him and kissed him while he slept.

These past three years with James have flown by. He constantly amazes me with his cleverness and sweetness. He's getting to the point where he doesn't need naps as frequently and that makes me sad for many reasons but especially for missing out on that time together where he asks me to snuggle him and he pushes his warm little body against mine as we both fall asleep. I suppose it's a good thing he is adjusting to a new sleep schedule as we prepare for the arrival of his new brother and sister. I know I soon won't have that private, quiet time with him to snuggle and sleep in the middle of the day and it's better he adjusts to that on his own schedule rather than having it suddenly taken away. It's hard to imagine how different our lives will be in just a few short weeks.

For a little over three years, it's just been Brenden, Natalie, and James. James has only known being the center of our attention for the entirety of his life. I have loved being his mommy and I am grateful every day for this opportunity I have to raise him. And I feel so much guilt for knowingly and willingly turning his world completely upside down. I love him so much and I know as my attention shifts from him to his new siblings, he may not always feel that love in the same way he has become accustomed to. I hope I will know how to share that love with him so he will always know it is there.

 Even though I am hugely pregnant and on a form of modified bed rest, and even though we are currently going through what is James' most difficult stage so far as he learns the art of dissent and stubbornness which can make him sometimes less than lovable, I will do my best to be present and patient and kind and loving. If I cannot do that now, how could I ever expect him to once his world totally changes? These remaining weeks of just Brenden, Natalie, and James will go by in the blink of an eye and soon it will be Brenden, Natalie, James, and, as James has affectionately named them, Bobber Baby and Construction Worker Baby. I know as our family grows in size, it will grow in love as well. I know it but I still feel nervous and guilty about the changes I am forcing on my sweet boy. But who knows, maybe he will take everything in stride and embrace his new role as big brother. One thing is for sure and that is my love for him, my sweet baby James, who made me a mother.

That will never change.