Sweet Baby James

As a new young mother, I have a lot of worries. I find my worries are like gnats buzzing around my thoughts-- there are tons of them just flitting past one another, interrupting my tasks throughout the day. But there is this one big monster-bug-sized worry that sort of bumbles through my mind, pushing the other little worries out of the way. And it's this: that I'll forget how sweet this time in my life is.

Isn't that a strange thing to worry about? Of all the many, MANY things I have to worry about (quick list off the top of my head-- school loans, going back to school, EYE SURGERY, health insurance, work), it seems silly to make one out of something tender and sweet. But honestly, of all the things that bring me concern the biggest one of all is that I will forget this wonderful period of motherhood where everything is new and different and exciting and scary and sweet almost all at once.

James will be eight months old on the 16th. We are already done with half of his first year of life! The time is racing by and I'm choking on the dust trail it's left behind. Why does this time have to go by so quickly?

Another list of things I don't want to forget:

• His soft, squishy arms and hands and the way they wrap around my neck when I carry him.
• His sheer, unapologetic excitement-- the way he feels his emotions fully throughout his whole body-- eyes wide, arms stretched out and hands shaking around, legs kicking, open-mouthed smile or squealing
• His baby babbling-- he can be quite the talker when he wants to be.
• The way he wants ME to hold him. Yes, this is frustrating at times (like when I'm trying to get out the door to go somewhere and he sees me leaving and starts crying and reaching out for me) but I cherish the realization that he feels safe with me, he is comfortable with me, he knows he can trust me.
• The way he refuses to feed himself his little cereal snacks. I pour them onto his tray so he can pick them up and eat them. He'll pick them up and hold them in his hand but then start fussing until I give him one. As soon as I pick one up, he leans forwards, reaches with both of his hands and guides my hand to his mouth.
• The day we made a breakthrough on his eating solid foods. This baby boy loves sweet potatoes! That day he opened his mouth wide for the spoon and hasn't looked back since then, except for yesterday when I tried to give him peas. His mouth clamped shut after the first bite dribbled down his chin and wouldn't open again except for a cereal snack.
• How he quiets as soon as we step outside together. He loves to watch the cars drive by on Ferry Road and listens intently to the birds in the our neighbor's old oak trees. When I open our front door with him in my arms, he reaches for the handle on our glass door to get outside.
• His absolute fascination with my cell phone. It doesn't matter how many toys he has in front of him, if my phone is anywhere in sight that is what he is going for. Yesterday we were playing with his toys on my bed and I couldn't find my phone. I was searching through the bedsheets and blankets for it when I turned around and saw him lying on his back after having fallen over, with a corner of the phone in his drooly wet mouth. I couldn't help but laugh.
• The way his little belly peeks out between his shirts and his pants.
• The way he looks in his hats. He doesn't mind wearing his wide-brimmed hats unless they cover up his eyes. He is so adorable in them.
• How he loves to stand on the couch, leaning his body against the back of it, looking out the window in our living room. If he had better balance, he would probably do that for hours on end.
• How he curls up onto his side when he sleeps now. He used to sleep sprawled out across his bed but now he bends his knees and rolls onto his side and stays in that position until he wakes up. 
• His interest in his peers. James is absolutely in love with babies. He often laughs out loud and squeals with delight when he sees other babies. It's so fun to watch him interact with them.
• Pudgy fingers wrapping around my own.

I'm so grateful I have this opportunity to be with James. He makes me slow down and appreciate little things I wouldn't notice otherwise. On one of our walks around the neighborhood one day, a squirrel ran across the street in front of us, grabbing James' attention. I stopped pushing his stroller and turned it to face the yard to where the squirrel had run. We watched the squirrel walk/run/hop around in this neighbor's yard. We saw his bushy tail wiggle and we watched as he climbed a tree and then ran behind the house out of sight. As we started walking again, I tried to remember the last time I had watched a squirrel shake his bushy tail around. I couldn't recall. I remembered watching squirrels on the playground in elementary school and I thought about how wonderful it is to be a part of these new experiences for my baby. 

Today we sat outside and I blew bubbles from a little bubble wand while James watched them float away. Every Easter I would get a bottle of bubbles in my Easter basket and then that afternoon, after our Easter egg hunt I would stand in our yard or our driveway blowing bubbles, watching them float up into the sky, wrestle to keep their shape in the wind, grow bigger and bigger until I was out of breath and had to blow it off the wand or until it popped in my face. Nostalgic of these memories, I decided to share my love of bubble blowing with my sweet baby James. At first he watched them just float away. Then he watched me blowing the bubbles, trying to reach for the wand. Then he would try to catch them as they floated past him. I felt a tinge of guilt each time he touched one to catch it and it popped. A city worker drove by in a service vehicle, slowing down to smile at us and I wondered what he was thinking when he saw us.

I hoped he could see this baby is well-loved, happy, and comfortable. 

I hope I never forget these days we spent together, just me and this sweet little baby who made me a mother.